I want You Deeper

They were holding hands now.

He’d grabbed Alyssa’s hand impulsively to lead her out of his sister’s apartment. She hadn’t resisted. It had felt so natural to hold her hand as they’d walked to his car, he’d grabbed it again as they’d walked from his SUV to the elevator in his building.

If he’d worried she might have minded, the look they shared as they stood in the elevator would have erased that concern. Yes, there was something more going on here. Something he’d never experienced before.

But then the elevator door opened, displaying his condo. All of a sudden, he was aware of how this place likely looked through her eyes. The designer kitchen, the ten-foot ceilings, the door that led out onto a terrace with a seating area and fire pit. He’d hardly spent any time here, but he felt guilty. This woman was sleeping on his sister’s sofa while just trying to get her business going, after all. Here he was with a condo most people would love to spend just a week in, and he didn’t even appreciate it.

It was no longer as much about being self-conscious about his financial status. He should be ashamed of just how much of this he took for granted.

“This is a-ma-zing.” Alyssa walked ahead of him, releasing his hand. She slowly spun around in a circle, looking up at the ceiling, down at the floor, and over at the big, empty glass table he owned in case he ever had anyone over for dinner.

Now he had a reason to use it.

“Let me show you around.”

Jeremy tossed his keys into the dish he kept on a table just inside the entryway. He knew his bed was unmade and his bathroom countertop was covered in clutter. He hadn’t had time to hire a cleaning service yet, but it had been on his to-do list since returning home. If he’d even had a hint he might have her over tonight, he would have made it his top priority that day.

“Excuse the mess,” he said as he led her through the big, open area to the hallway with all the bedrooms.

Alyssa laughed. “This is the cleanest place I’ve ever seen. Have you noticed where I’ve been living?”

“Yes, but…”

But what? But he wanted to impress her, not with expensive furnishings or a scenic terrace. He wanted to impress her with who he was as a person. It was interesting to figure that out about himself.

“Okay, that’s my dream shower,” she said when she saw his bathroom. She barely glanced at the counter, which wasn’t as bad as he’d imagined. She also didn’t seem to notice the clothes scattered across the floor, including some…personal garments. He wanted to rush her out of the room the second he saw it.

“It is pretty nice,” he said, stepping back, hoping she’d get the hint.

She didn’t. Instead, she stepped farther into the room, taking a closer look at the garden tub he’d never used. Probably never would use it.

“It’s funny, isn’t it?” She spun around until she was facing him. He stepped back toward her, eager to hear her thoughts. “You’re living the dream. You’ve worked hard, and these are your rewards. But you never have time to enjoy them.”

“I got a little leeway because I was settling in.” He stepped closer to her, just wanting to shorten the gap between them. “But the long hours are about to kick back in. I can do some work from home, though. Come see my office.”

That area of his condo he was very proud of. It wasn’t messy, mostly because he’d been spending so much time at the cafe and his sister’s place that when he wasn’t sleeping, he was at his office. But his instructions to the real estate agent had been an office with a view. This particular bedroom-turned-office had delivered on that.

“This is my office.”

As with the other rooms, the lights automatically turned on as they walked in. It was one of the coolest things about the place.

Alyssa walked into the room, crossing to his desk, which was pushed up to a window that provided a view of the surrounding area. “Wow. I could work here. This would make work fun.”

“I do hope to work from here a little more. It’s tough. So many meetings. Seems like there’s not a day I can get away with working from home. I keep looking for one, though.”

Plus, he’d been going into the office as an excuse to stop by the coffee shop. If Alyssa wouldn’t be there every morning, though, he wouldn’t have that anymore. Even if she worked there a little longer, he had a feeling he’d have better excuses to see her. Like having her over for dinner. That would be much more enjoyable than trying to talk to her with a line of customers waiting for latte art.

Suddenly, she spun to face him. “You’re really lucky. You know that, don’t you?”

“I do.”

He wasn’t talking about his condo, his job, his bank account-any of that. He was lucky because he had the most amazing woman he’d ever known standing here in his condo. He wouldn’t have cared if he still lived in the tiny apartment he’d shared with three other guys in college if it meant he could be with her.

“But none of this matters to you,” she said in a quiet voice as she studied his face. He felt like she could see his thoughts. Like they were completely in sync.

“Money, things…” He looked around. “I won’t say it’s not nice to not have to worry about money. I remember trying to scrape by in college. And then, when I dropped out, not know where my next dollar would come from. Then my parents died-”

He cut off there. So much was wrapped into that one half-sentence. Then his parents died…and everything changed. Nothing was ever the same again.

Alyssa stepped closer to him, putting a hand on his arm. “The money you used to start your company came from that.”

From the look on her face, he could tell she was breaching this subject hesitantly. She wasn’t sure if he’d shut off at the mention of it. He very well could have, honestly. But he didn’t want to. For the first time since it happened, he wanted to open up about it.

“Maybe it would have been different if I hadn’t shunned my father’s advice right before he died. I dropped out of college to make a point to him -to show him that his money didn’t control me.”

Even as he said the words, he was realizing something that had never occurred to him. Yes, he’d come up with an idea that had later become successful, and the money had bought this house. But it was never far from his mind that his father’s money had planted the seed. That was why there was so much of it sitting in the bank, as well as in various investments like his sister’s coffee shop, rather than being used to pay for lavish trips.

“Your father would be very proud of you,” Alyssa said softly. “Look what you made of yourself. You turned everything around.”

“I was on the wrong track before his death. It changed everything.”

Without his father’s death, would he have started Data Industries? The answer was very likely no. It had nothing to do with the money his parents left behind, either. He just wouldn’t have had the drive to work to blur everything else out. As long as he kept running, he never had time to stop and think about loving…and risking loss again.

“I think the person I need to forgive is myself,” he finally said. “I asked for your forgiveness. I can’t ask for my father’s. But I can work on forgiving myself for the people I hurt back then.”

Tears welled in Alyssa’s eyes. He wasn’t sure what to do about that. So he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms, giving her a long hug filled with all the emotion he’d held in for so long.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .